Skin

I am who I am mainly because of my skin. There's no two ways about it.

When someone is called 'tough skinned' it's usually because of the following reasons:
- They're not easily swayed
- They don't get upset easily
- They have a strong personality.

Those close to me would say I'm 'tough skinned but many don't realise that I also actually have a tough physical skin. It wasn't until I started getting called out of classes that friends realised my medical condition was serious.
I'm an actress- you won't know something's up unless I either tell you or you catch me completely off guard, in this case I was caught off guard.

In terms of health, life hasn't exactly been straight forward. I can say that from the second I was born something has always seemed to go wrong. When I was born, instead of hearing a babie's cry, my mother heard silence as she produced a blue, unconscious child.
She honestly thought that was it and my Father desperately tried to be strong for her. My mother was blessed with the most determined doctors and they successfully managed to get me to stability.

After that rollercoaster it was about skin. From the age of about 1 I was in and out of hospital, I would stay over for several nights at a time and the nurses would cover me in ointments and bandage me up. I looked like a walking egyptian mummy.
My parents were told I had Dermatitis herpetiformis, a form of eczema. I had serious rashes on my face, my neck, the creases of my arms, my elbows, behind my knees and on my knees. Somehow my scalp managed to be avoided by this rash and I was lucky enough to have really healthy hair, friends will know how much I love hair and how much I love wearing different hairstyles.
Some rashes were a bright red, some were borderline purple and others were a dark brown, close to black. Itching during the night was a nightmare and my mother was often visiting me during the night up until I was about 9.
Some studies suggest eczema is genetic but many scientists disagree and claim it can be provoked by bacteria, allergens or fungi. None of my preceding siblings had it and neither did my parents. I was also the first of all my cousins to have it too.

I was prescribed light treatments such as Oilatum and Aqueous cream to take baths with and was advised to use an array of ointments to stop my skin from flaking. I was told my eczema might go once I reached adolescance but for now it could only be tamed.
It only got worse from there..
A popular ointment amongst black people is Vaseline and so this is what my parents slathered on my skin for years. This only irritatated my skin further as it clogged pores and made me hot and sweaty. It was thought that I was being fussy but in the summer my eczema appeared to burn.
When the doctors found out, they were furious and informed us that Vaseline is basically thick oil and it was causing the sun to practically fry my skin. It was indeed clogging my pores and creating the ideal breeding ground for bacteria to thrive on the surface of my eczema. I was also informed that the rate at which my skin had darkened was not normal for someone who lives in the UK sun and that the ecssesive oiling of my skin with grease had contributed to an aggravated permatan. I had to undergo several skin health tests.
By this time I looked like a mess. My skin was tired and the eczema looked like it wasn't going to heal any time soon.

Everyday was a regime of Oilatum and Aqueous cream and a whole new host of prescribed ointments including Diprobase, Doublebase, E45, sometimes Epaderm and the rare Hydrocortisone tube

For a short while I was alright. There was minor itching, the eczema was still extremely visible but I was no longer scratching furiously at my arms.
It wasn't until a few years on that the eczema came back in full force. If not for the itching it would have been hard to notice as by this time I had developed an strong permatan from the years of frying in the sun with vaseline. I entered my teenage years an insecure wreck and was convinced no one would look twice at me

Eventually I was booked in to see my dermatologist and was put on my most serious ointments to date, I was put on a course of the well known 'vats', corticosteroids.
Initially I was frightened to death as the side effects of these can be a thinning of the skin and a loss of pigmentation (skin lightening) but in the end it was decided that the clearing would be worth it.
It was tricky application, having to come out of class to apply it and hands had to be washed before and after application- it was all very stressful.
I was treated and later booked in for several peels, prescribed mild face and body washes, bandages and soaps.
I also often had to have treatments outside of the NHS with specialists, costing quite a lot of money but the results were worth it.

At times my skin would be so inflamed that I would be bed bound. My good friend at the time would always come round with cards and flowers and tell me that I'd be better soon. She was my support at a time where I felt that my skin would ruin my life.

The doctors were rightwhen they said my condition would significantly improve as I used the prescribed treatments. My skin began to clear dramatically, leaving only small eczema scaring below my eyes and below my knees.
I'm still on medication and occasionally have to be booked in for treatments but for now, my skin's at the healthiest it's ever been despite there being quite a lot of thinning. My permatan has cleared up drastically and I'm almost unrecognisable from before because of the brightening that has occured from changing my diet, wearing sunscreen and exfoliating dead skin. It's quite surprising what a change in diet and simple skincare routine can do for hyperpigmentation and eczema.

I know several people with eczema and know their struggle. It's seen as something you should just deal with and get over but it can have damaging effects to ones confidence and self esteem.

My face is dressed in tears as I write this. The term 'comfortable in my own skin' is taken lightly but it's something that a lot of people feel they can't be.
It's torn at me emotionally but it's also made me stronger.
I have a thick personality skin because of my physical skin. I won't be pushed around or told I'm not good enough because I know that I'm better than anyone who puts me down.

some of the things I still have to regularly use, until it's all cleared up :)

Sticks and stones may break a bone
but my skin will tear for no one.
Even when I feel so low and alone
I won't let anyone take me off my throne.

Stay confident and ambitious.

Lots of love.

@CillaCasey xxxx